Healthy Living with Ronald Brak

I've always maintained that exercise is a very important part of weight control. Not because of the energy burned, that's pretty insignificant, but because it is difficult to eat and exercise at the same time. Exercise also has the effect of making one feel stupid if one reaches for a tub of ice cream after spending an hour in a gym rubbing ones myosin and actin myofibrals vigorously against each other.

But today I realised that exercise can put one off greasy food if the exercise consists of spending 22 minutes walking in the sun to the supermarket in 37 degrees Celsius heat. Now some readers (okay, reader) in cooler climes (okay, clime) may be wondering just how we survive when the outside temperature reaches human body temperature? Well, it's a dry heat. Basically we sweat a lot. That's why it's very important not to have that cosmetic surgery that reduces the number of sweat glands one has. It can be fatal here. You can end up a well presented and popular corpse.

Anyway, by the time I had walked to the supermarket in that heat I didn't feel like eating anything fatty at all. It quite put me off drinking that pint of lard I'd put aside for dinner. I think tonight I'll just have frozen vegetables instead. And I'll eat them frozen too. They'll be nice and cool and melt in the mouth delicious. And tomorrow I might actually have some bread. I haven't had any bread at all since I started on a modified form of the Atkins diet – the all induction method that cuts out those nasty vegetables. No, for me it's all been lard and cheap cuts of meat. But ethically sound meat. It only came from animals that wanted to die. I've been trying hard to reach my goal of becoming as twice as heavy as Dr Atkins was when he became one with the pavement. Although I've done well, I must admit I still have a long way to go. As Professor Atkins was quite a tall man I think I will actually be spherical by the time my goal is obtained. Then after that it's the physics gravy train for me. I intend to make huge amounts of money letting physicists base their models on me. They won't have to assume a spherical human being because, for a reasonable sum, I'll just be there. (I'm also willing to dress up as a spherical cow – see Abstruse Goose if you aren't aware of how often they come up.)

Now I mentioned that I've been eating nothing but lard and cheap, ethically murdered animal flesh, and I know a few readers (okay, reader) may be worried that I'm not getting enough vitamins. But don't worry, there's plenty of vitamins in lard, provided one drinks enough of it. Of course, the lard has to be raw. That's why I've developed a patented method that uses chemicals instead of heat to scour lard from carcases. Then its washed in liquid ammonia and congealed in a large vat. It's very similar to the process used to make Twinkies. And that's how, in the comfort of your own home, you can get hundreds of litres of rich, creamy, health giving, vitamin containing lard. And a cease and desist order from the local Council.