There Are No Americans Here to Tell Me How I Should Feel - I Want Them!

It all started so innocently. I would read the movie reviews in the newspaper. Yes, I am actually old enough to have read actual physical newspapers and gotten newsprint ink on my hands. I would read the reviews, not because I was fond of going to the movies, just so I could, you know, keep up to date with what was out there, maybe rent it on video at some point, or perhaps, if I thought I might really enjoy a movie, actually go to a theatre and see it. Not that I ever did. There are people in movie theatres. People who are not Americans. And if the audience isn't American there is simply no point in going to a movie. Well, at a pinch Italians might do.

You see, Australians, British, Japanese, Koreans, basically all the non-imaginary races, are quite subdued when watching movies, so I never know how I should feel during a movie and people become disturbed when I try to closely monitor their reactions to determine how I should respond to what's up on the screen. But Americans, they are so... so alive in movie theatres. They have no reservations, no guile, no tact. What they feel is immediately displayed in their faces and by their bodies. Their ability to display emotion is almost without compare. They are like human muppets. And inside each and every one of them the hand of America contorts them to show emotion in the clearest possible way. When there are Americans in the audience I know how I should feel during a movie and just having this knowledge is almost like feeling the emotions myself, or at least it's the closest I am ever likely to get.

But Australians and Japanese, they're not so demonstrative. It's much harder to work out how I should be feeling. So I don't go to many movies and I don't watch many movies. But I can analyse movies and I can read other people's analysis of movies. Today I had a clear choice. I could either watch a movie or read movie reviews. I chose to read reviews. It was good. I think I have transcended the actual need for movies. I just need the analysis. What did the Director do wrong? How could the movie have been improved? What were the weak points? What were the strong points? ALL ANALYSIS! NO EMOTION! YES! YES! It was so good, I may never go back to movies again. I don't care if I haven't seen the movie, I just want to enjoy the feel of it being picked apart within my frontal lobes. Ohhhhhh... yes...

So, if you want a movie emotionally interpreted for you, watch it with Americans. But interestingly enough, the Japanese already have emotional interpretation in many of their television shows. They will have a little inset screen displaying someone reacting to what's going on so the audience will know how to react. Why Americans don't have this I don't know. It's almost as if they feel entitled to come up with their emotions on their own. I think I would like it if all movies and TV shows came with something like this. Except it should be a muppet.